In-between The Inbetweeners
by BlueBunny80
Summary: The boys from "The Inbetweeners" are all grown-up. London and it's inhabitants have been almost destroyed by a plague. It's been three years. The guys have created an oasis. But, they're lonely. Jay has a brilliant idea... This is my attempt to write a real story, You tell me if I should just stick to smut. *Warning: Adult explicit content. Adults only!
1. Chapter 1

**Chapter One**

I'm being watched. He's been trailing me for days now. Not sure how many days though. They all seem to bleed into each other. After days of waiting to be attacked, I know what to do. I'm going to kill myself. It's not the rash decision of someone who's given up hope. No. I've been thinking about it all year. The Virus wiped out most of the population three years ago. The lack of food, medical care, law enforcement, blah blah blah killed most everybody else. It's been bad. Real bad. For a real long time. But I was a fighter. A fool. I believed that all we had to do was stick together. Be smart. Watch each other's back. And most of all not lose hope. I truly believed that if we did all these things we'd survive. Like I said, I was a fool. There were six of us. All girls. We went to school together. Hell, we barely knew one another in the beginning. We were thrown together by circumstance. In the end, we became a family. Each one willing to die for the other. And we did. We died. Some got sick. Some got hurt. Some were caught by the gangs. One by one we fell. Each death whittling away our hope. And then suddenly it was just me. I lived when all my friends died. So, this is not just some rash decision of someone that's giving up on fighting. I _had_ hope, I _had_ faith. But they all died. And now, now someone's following me. To get caught by someone is to die. And die badly. And if I am to finally die, today, then I die by my own hand. I've been thinking about it for a while anyway. It's time.

I stop at a huge tree. It's beautiful. It's been in the forest a hundred years. It'll live a hundred more. I stand in its shade a moment looking up into the sky through its leaves, then I put my back to its trunk and slide down to the ground. The bark lifts up my shirt and scratches my back on the way down. I wince at the pain. This is it. I pull the knife out of my sock. It's a nice pocket knife. My dad bought it for me. It's pink. Hello Kitty. And, it's very, very, sharp. I roll up my sleeves, and lay the blade along my right wrist. About an inch down from my hand, there's a line already there for me to follow. The world goes bleary and I realize that I'm crying. I put the knife between my teeth and swipe my eyes with my rolled up sleeves. I don't want to cry. I don't want to die crying in woods. I may be outta hope but I still have pride. I pull myself together. I take the knife to my wrist again and start to hum. It's a jaunty little tune and seems vastly inappropriate. So, I hum it louder. Before I can reflect on how my humming has taken on an hysterical edge, I forcefully drag the blade across my wrist. And then, quickly, the other one. It hurts a lot. Shit! It really hurts. Where's a hot bath when you need one. Well…spilt milk I suppose.

I lean my head back and watch the sky through the leaves again. It's summer time. I guess. Or spring. It's warm. The birds aren't singing. But they haven't sung in long time. I almost wish they would. Sing. It's getting cold. I'm getting cold. I cough. It's getting darker and darker. I suddenly think of Bugs Bunny and laugh. I'm still laughing as the world goes black.

When I come to, it's dark. I'm lying in my sleeping bag. Propped up on something , so i'm sorta sitting up but not. There's a fire. It's huge. I haven't sat by a fire in so long. You don't build fires anymore. They attract people. My mouth is dry. I look down at my wrist and they're wrapped in bandages. I feel dizzy and thirsty. And I feel very much living. It seems my little stalker has saved me. That son of a bitch.

**Chapter Two**

When I come to again, it's morning. I think. It's light out, but it's not hot yet. So…morning. I sit up. My stomach cramps immediately. I've not been this hungry in a long time. I reach to the left for my backpack but instead I pull back to inspect my wrists. It takes some time to get the bandage off but when I do I'm speechless. My wrist is almost healed. I mean it still has a gash in it, but its scabbed over. And with no stitches that I can see that means I've been out longer than one night. A look around tells me I'm not at my suicide tree. But, that's all it tells me. I don't really know this forest well. I could be ten yards away from where I was. I could be miles away. I've got to get out of here. I stand up and the world tries to spin me off it. I put my hands to my head, squeeze my eyes shut, and wait for the spinning to stop. It takes a while. I make it maybe four glorious steps forward, before my legs give out from under me and I go down. The ground is racing up to meet me, and there's not a thing I can do to stop it. I'm inches away from face planting on the forest floor when I'm grabbed from behind. The last words I hear before it all goes black…again, are, "I've got you".

Not comforting.

When I come to again my savior is sitting across from me. It's daytime. The sun is bright even in this clearing and it's warm out. It's the same clearing. If I'm lucky it's the same day. The man sitting across from me is my age. Twenty something…? He has brown hair, cut very short, like army short. He has a dark grey shirt and jeans on. Giant army boots. He's tall, even sitting I can tell. He's built like an athlete, a swimmer, but broad across the shoulders. This more than anything frightens me. You see, there are no more guns. They took care of that in the beginning. At first, they just confiscated them. But, everyone knew people still had guns. They destroyed all the guns on the market too. Then when it got worse, they traded guns for food and gas and medicine. In the end, everyone gave up their guns. What was the point anyway. 83% of the world population was gone. No one wanted to fight anymore they just wanted to survive. In the end, we answered the worlds' oldest question. How do you stop the world from fighting? Take away everything worth fighting for. No guns mean the strongest rule. I'm strong. I had to be. But, I'm strong for a girl. This guy has 50 pounds on me easily. Solid muscle. In this world men are bad, all of them, as a rule, are bad. I've stayed alive this long because I haven't come across any. And now here I am, injured, weak, and all alone with a man twice my size. Huh, so this is what terror feels like. Nasty.

**Chapter Three**

"I'm not going to hurt you".

I give him the look that comment deserves. I mean come on. This is the apocalypse. What does he have in mind, a nice game of Scrabble with the last vagina in London. Not likely. I read.

"I saved your life."

Yes he did. I punch him in the face as hard as I can. I think I break my hand in the process.

His nose isn't even bleeding. I don't even think he'll bruise. He gives me a look I probably deserve. Then we just sit in silence. I don't really have anything to say.

"I have a place that's safe. My mates and I have been working on it for years. It's totally safe. There's plenty of food and water too. It's just the four of us. I was sent to find others. Good people. Sane people. That's why I had to follow you. Had to make sure I could bring you back with me."

"And this utopia is where?"

"About four days walk from here, in Epping."

"Tell me about this place?"

"I can't. I've told you all I can. I still don't know if I can trust you. Come with me. I'll show you. If you don't like it, you can kill yourself again."

"Asshole"

"You punched me in the face"

We sit in silence so more. What he says sounds good. Too good. A safe place, fortified. Stocked with food and water. Safety. Real safety after all this time. If it wasn't four guys and I wasn't alone I might consider going with him. I know the answer already but I ask anyway.

"What would I be expected to do, if I went with you?"

"What do you mean?"

"You're being an asshole again"

"It'd be a partnership. We take care of you, you take care of us. We hunt in these woods. We keep our home, and surrounding lands safe. We have a huge garden. We work all day long. Everyday. But, for what. To what end. We realized we had everything and nothing. Then one day this girl wanders onto our land. She's half dead. Starved. Out of her mind with fever. We brought her home. We worked to save her day and night. After four days she died. It was horrible. But, for four days, for four days we had purpose. We brought her food, read to her, took care of her. When she died it was, like a hundred times worse. We just sort of stopped doing anything. We were going to burn the whole place down. Go our separate ways. But then Simon, he says, let's find women to bring back. We have everything a person could want. They'd be safe. Happy. We'd be happy. Jay was the one who came up with the sex stuff. He figured that if we did all the manly shit, stuff, sorry, the girls would want to, you know thank us. Now, don't look at me like that. I didn't say I agreed. But he had a point, sorta. Why couldn't we find women, make them an offer and see where it goes. I'm not saying sex slave here. I'm saying, come check out our set-up. See that its safe and permanent like. And then, if you like it, if you like it, think about our offer. Look, we were hoping to find four girls. But, it's been months and you're the first one I've seen that wasn't ape shit crazy or half dead. Seriously, is what we offer so bad. We're four good, normal, healthy blokes, looking for someone to take care of. This is humanity at it's basest. Just come with me, check it out."

"please…"

"I saved your life…"

As I sit here, I realize that what he said isn't entirely horrible. Right? I mean it is the apocalypse. But could I do it. Sleep with guy I didn't know, didn't love, all for safety. I look across from me to the young man again. He's not what I would call attractive. He's way too big for one. I was never one for the jock types. His skin is clear. His clothes are clean. He smells kinda nice actually. His hands are big. Placed on his lap as he waits my answer. His nails are clean.

"Smile" I command.

He does, without question. He just grins ear to ear. His teeth are straight and clean and white and perfect. He has a stupid smile. Like a dim chimp, and I cant help but smile back. He isn't so bad. Maybe the others aren't either. I must be crazy. That's it. In my attempt to kill myself I've lost my faculties.

"I'll come with you"

He grins like a moron again.

"But if I can't do it, you'll let me leave?"

"Yes, totally, we wouldn't kill you or nothin"

"That's reassuring, thanks"

He turns around and starts taking stuff out of a bag I hadn't seen till he grabbed it.

"What are you doing?"

"I'm fixing you lunch"

Oh.

**Chapter Four**

"What's your name?"

"Neil"

What's yours?"

"Kimber"

"You mean Kimberly?"

"No my name is Kimber!"

"What an awful name"

"What?!"

"Look…I'm…no…that's an awful name. Seriously"

"I can't believe you. I tell you my name…"

"A ridiculous name…"

"I tell you my name…trying to be civilized…make a connection…"

"It's got to be the most shit name ever…I mean seriously…did your parents not realize you were going to grow up…and be, like, a grown woman named…named Kimber!"

"I hate you right now"

"It's the apocalypse and your name's Kimber"

"Fuck you"

"_Kiiimmmber_"

"Seriously go fuck yourself"

"Kimber wants me to go fuck myself."

**Chapter Five**

It's been two days since I met up with Neil. We're working our way through this forest. It's gotten more overgrown. Growing more wild, and dangerous as we go along. He's assured me that that's why they built on this land. He says no one in their right mind would bother coming this far out, not now. The land is thick with huge trees, giant roots, rolling hills, and valleys. There's potential danger in every step. We have to move slowly or risk twisting an ankle on the uneven ground. It's about midafternoon. The sun is high, and despite the tree coverage it horribly hot, growing more humid by the hour. We have two more days of hiking to go before we reach our destination.

Our destination being an abandon rehabilitation center, secretly located in the Epping Forest. Neil says that before the Virus, the Rehab place was one of the most exclusive in the country. Totally secluded. Celebrities and wealthy people adored it for is offered discretion. They could come, get sober, in totally luxury, and move on, without the public knowing a thing. Apparently, Jay's dad was a contractor there. When the virus hit, and the place shut down, Jay's dad brought his son and his son's now orphaned friends to hideout there. He figured they had a better chance of survival away from civilization. He was right. But about two years ago Jay's dad died. He got sick, he died. That's how it happens now. Without doctors and hospitals, without diagnosis and treatment, x-rays and chemo, you get sick in this world, real sick, you die. So he died and left them to continue the work of making what was once a rehab center for the rich into a fortified survival compound. Neil says it has independent water sources, gardens, and is completely secure. There's more, but that's all I've been able to get out of him so far. I'm certain by the time we arrive at "Clover Hills", I'll know everything there is to know about it.

As I trudge after Neil, I can't help but reflect on what I've learned about him so far. He's twenty five, one year older than me. He was raised in the suburbs. He's funny. And Sweet. And knows the name of every tree in this forest. He always holds my hand when we come to particularly dangerous walking or climbing. He asks me how I'm doing at least once an hour. He does all the cooking and setting up camp. Entertains me with stories from his childhood or funny problems his friends have encountered at their new home. The more time I spend with him the more I grow to like him.

But, I don't trust him? Not yet. There are times that Neil makes me feel uneasy. When his touch is too intimate. When his gaze is too heated. Moments when, suddenly I'm aware that Neil is a very lonely and possibly desperate man. And not only am I all alone with him, but I'm one my way to meet three others like him. That's what it boils down to, I'm here to assess if I can sleep with Neil and when I meet them, his friends, Jay, Will, and Simon. In trade for a safe haven. It's an odd and strained situation to say the least.

Am I attracted to him? I don't know? I think I am. I wasn't at first that's for sure. He's too tall. Too broad. Too…too…overwhelming. He's loud. And strong. And very, very, male. I always went for the quiet small guys. The smart tiny bloke. The artist, the thinker. Neil's a hunter. A hunter, gatherer, all the way. There was a time when I would have meant that as an insult. Not now. Watching him, watching his eyes dart around our surroundings, taking everything in, reaching his hand back to help me across some uneven path, his muscles corded and straining under his clean white t-shirt, no, hunter-gatherer-protector, is a worthy title. With my hand in his callused one, climbing up a hill, I wander, could I make love to this man? What would it be like? Would he be gentle like now, or would he treat me like an object. I guess that's my biggest fear. If I do this, give myself to him, to the others, will it be mutual or will it become something else. Would they let me keep my pride? I mean, how strong will my power over them be, having what they want/need so desperately? Let's face it, I know that if he so decided he could just turn around and take me, by force, right here, on the forest floor. And he knows it to. But. But! I also know that I could make him beg for my love, my attention, my sexually favors. I somehow know this with complete certainty. And so does he. And so…we continue on. Both of us pretending. Both of us knowing. Both of us afraid.

**Chapter Six**

We've just cleared the hill. He turns to me, his lopsided smile beaming. And for just a moment, he's beautiful.

"It's going to rain"

"Oh?"

"We can shower"

"What?"

"You don't shower when it rains?"

"No. I don't strip naked in the woods and shower in the rain"

"…?"

"Female. Woods. Alone. Unsafe."

It takes way too long for comprehension to dawn on his face.

"OOOOh. Yeah. Right."

"Well, I'm here now, you're safe."

Oh my god. He's so sincere I could cry. It's so hot. The humidity so oppressive. I'd love to shower in what will no doubt be cool crisp rain. But I hesitate. I can't risk pushing my boundaries with Neil. I think nudity would push his tightly held control too far. What would I do if he snaps. He senses my hesitation.

"Look, I'm cool. I'm not a caveman. We can shower together and I'm not gonna pounce you"

There's hurt in his voice. I'd feel worse if he hadn't voiced my _exact_ fears.

"How 'bout I go over there and you stay here?"

"No. Don't want you that far away from me. We aren't safe till we get home"

"Well I'm not taking a shower in front of you. Sorry"

He ponders this. Once again it strikes me how hard he's working to work this out. His face is all scrunched up. He's thinking so hard. I don't think he's capable of nefarious thoughts. Literally. In fact I'm pondering what Neil's IQ might be when he suddenly jerks up. He snaps his fingers as an idea hits him. Wow.

"I've got it."

"You do?"

"Look, you stand here, and face this way…and I'll stand over here and face this way. We both promise not to look."

He takes four paces back from me. It's about three yards. It seems like a good idea. Simple. Just don't look. This is my chance to see if I can trust him.

"OK"

"Really?"

"Yeah"

It's the lopsided grin again. He digs in his backpack and produces two bars of soap. Real life soap. Oh my. I haven't had soap in…I don't really know how long. I just scrub in a river or stream when I find one. But soap. I grab hold of the soap and press my nose into the bar, breathing as deep as I can. Oh god it's fancy. FANCY SOAP! It smells like flowers and oranges. And it's got bits of petals and stuff in it.

"Where did you get this?"

"The soap? From the house. Told you, it was a high-end resort slash rehab. We've got lots of stuff like that. The center has storage rooms full of fancy stuff like that for women."

I just gape at him. Storage rooms full of soap. Shampoo. Lotion. Tampons. Sweet Mary and Joseph. I could be a girl again. I could feel pretty again. The full weight of what they have to offer settles on my shoulders. They're not just offering me safety and food. They have beds with clean sheets, running water, baths, routine, comfort. They offer me…home. And in that moment I decide I'm going to do it. I'm going to except their offer. I will be a companion to them. I will take care of four lonely men as they take care of me. No more over thinking it. It's simple. We both have what the other needs. So simple.

My moment of clarity is interrupted by the first raindrops of the storm. And it is going to be a storm. The clouds have turned dark grey. The forest floor has darkened. The air is still humid and hot though. Without hesitation, Neil spins around and starts undressing. He's shirtless, shoeless, and pulling down his jeans, no underwear, before I realize that I'm staring. I turn around, face burning and begin to disrobe.

I ball my clothes up into a tight ball and tuck them under my backpack that I've sat on top of a falling log a few steps away. I risk a look over my shoulder to insure I have privacy before turning in circles with my arms raised to get wet. The rain feels amazing. It's cool to my overheated skin. The forest around me smells so clean like wet earth and pine. I lather up my body as I wait for my hair to get wet enough to wash. It feels so good to scrub the sweat and dirt from my limbs. I wash my hair. Working in the soap, foam falling in my face. I scratch at my scalp. Scrubbing it clean. My head feels two pounds lighter. I rinse in the rain and scrub my body a second time. I hate the hair under my arms. My legs. But I bet they have razors at Neil's home. I wrap my arms around myself, close my eyes and raise my head to the sky. I revel I the feel of the rain washing it all away. I realize that my stomach is flat. Soft and curved but no longer round. I run my hands along my thighs, there smooth and muscled now. I used to be bigger. My body has changed. Being in the woods for months, hiking, foraging, has honed it into something different. I'm in awe of my new physique. I look down at myself and have to hold back a laugh. I'm kinda freakin hot now. I almost wish Neil would turn around and see me. I'd like to see his reaction to my body. Would he find It pleasing. I look over my shoulder again to find Neil is facing me, full on, mouth agape.

I turn toward him, angry.

"What are you doing?"

"You promised you wouldn't look"

He says nothing. His right shoulder has soap cascading down it, being washed away by the rain. The soap is at his feet on the ground. Forgotten. His hand still poised over his heart like he just dropped it. His body is nothing but taunt skin over muscle. I've never seen the like. His build, is like that of a swimmer, just like I thought when I first saw him. But different. His shoulders are impossibly wide without a shirt on. His stomach just ripples of bulges. His belly buttons a slight outty. And his…Oh MY God! His penis! I've seen exactly three adult penises in my lifetime. Two were models I had to sketch in an art class I took right before the Virus and the other was my last boyfriend. Also before the Virus. After months of begging I finally agreed to give him a blow job. It was my first. He said I was terrible. I promised myself I'd never do it again. Out of my vast penis knowledge I've never seen anything like his. It must be twice the size of my exes'. It's pointing straight up towards his odd little belly button. It's bobbing, flexing up slightly. It's dark red. It looks angry and…and…painful. Looking at it, somehow I know it's got to hurt. My eyes go to his face. The emotions flitting across it are too much. Lust I was ready for, but his face is raw need. He takes a step towards me. Pure "want" personified. I'm like a deer caught in headlights. Can't move. Need to move. NEED to run. Shit. But, he only takes two steps then stops.

"Please. Don't run"

Perceptive.

"Neil!?"

"Please"

His face is pleading. His hand outstretched. I know what he's asking. But..I'm afraid. I'm not ready. I had no idea…I thought It would just be sex. But looking at his face, not his body, his face, what he wants from me is soooo much more.

"Pleeeaase"

All I have to do it take his hand. He's standing in the rain, water pouring down his perfect body, pleading for me to come the final step to him, and I can't. I'm so scared. I can't even begin to name my fears.

There are just too many.

"Pleeeaaase"

He hisses the word. So softly. So desperate. And I do nothing. My arms wrapped around myself. My eyes on his twitching member. Carefully avoiding the raw emotions on his face. He starts to lower his hand and I look up at his face. There are tears in his eyes. I know it raining, but I know those are tears, and It's not just that his eyes are rimmed in red, it's that I'm crying too. My pulse is in my throat. There's no turning back. This is where I decide. Decide for real. Once I take this step, I know there's no going back.

I take his hand and take a step forward.

**Chapter Seven**

I step into his arms. He pulls me in tight and just holds me. I can feel his heart slamming into my chest. It's beating as fast and as hard as mine.

"Say yes"

I nod.

"No. I have to hear you say it. Say it out loud. And mean it. Tell me yes, and mean it. You can't chicken out. Or change your mind later. "

I pull back and look him in the eyes. Nothing but naked emotion in his gaze.

"Yes"

"Yes?"

"Yes!"

"Are you sure? Cuz I swear I won't be able to stop once I start."

"I said yes! Geez!"

"I Kimber, swear, to let you, Neil, make love to me here in the forest, in the rain, hopefully before I get pneumonia."

"Please don't say your name again. I might lose my erection"

"And…I'm putting back on my clothes"

"No. Wait"

He drops to the floor and starts going through his bag. He pulls out the blanket we use to eat on during meals, and spreads it on the forest floor. He continues to fish around in his bag for something. Getting more agitated as he digs.

"What are you looking for?"

"Huh? Oh. Condoms"

Oh. Reality. My heart kicks up a notch.

"You don't have to. Remember. I have two more years.

"Ohhh"

I can tell he'd forgotten. When the Virus was starting to take its toll on the population the scientist figured out just how many people would die, they decided to make this huge survival/rebuild plan. All women were to get one of those birth control shots that last five years. That way, in theory, none of us surviving women would be pregnant while we tried to rebuild society . Whatever. I had two more years of infertility.

"Kimber's a beautiful name, dick. And besides, nothing could get rid of that monster between your legs."

The change of subjects was too fast for him, I wait for him to catch up. Understanding lights his face. He smiles that dumb smile I'm growing to love.

"Yeah, it's pretty bad huh?"

"Is it as painful as it looks?"

"Haha. Yeah"

He kneels on the blanket and pulls me down to my knees before him.

"No turning back"

I bite my lip and look at the giant erection between us. Now or never. I nod my head.

"No turning back. I promise"

**Chapter Eight**

I lay back on the blanket. The soft grass underneath making it very comfortable. The blanket is heavy plaid, too thick for the wet grass to soak through. Neil is leaning over me, his open hand a cradle for my head. His other hand resting on my hip. It's just drizzling now, the sun coming back out. I still have to blink away the odd raindrop as I gaze up at him. He notices and shifts so his face is directly above mine. And, that small act makes me want to love him all the more.

He leans in to kiss me and I realize this will be our first kiss…


	2. Neil

He leans in, and I realize this will be our first kiss.

His face gets all fuzzy and out of focus as it lowers to mine. This is it. I hold my breath and slightly pucker my lips. My god, I feel like a girl again.

His lips are soft and hot. His kisses me once, then twice, and on the third time I feel the tip of his tongue touch mine. He tastes sweet and clean, like the rain. I run my fingers through his short bristly hair as our kiss grows deeper. I marvel at his long muscular neck and the fine hairs at his nape. Neil leaves a trail of butterfly kisses down my neck. He shifts his body over mine and settles between my thighs. I have never felt anything more exquisite than his weight on mine. His skin is so hot and slippery from the rain. As he buries his face in my neck, my legs instinctually wrap around his waist. I can feel his heart pounding against my chest. My hips hitch upward as his teeth come in contact with my collar bone. He starts to nipple along my neck and earlobes. I mumble and moan and sigh uncontrollably. Every touch, every movement, causes a reaction. He shimmies down my body and suddenly his mouth is on breasts. He sucks and bites and kisses and nuzzles…and I arch and moan beneath him. I run my palms along his shoulders and back. He's so wide, so strong. I memorize every dip and valley of his body with my fingers as he plays my body like an instrument. I come to sharp awareness when I feel Neil shift and kiss his way down my belly.

"Neil…I've never done that before", instantly nervous. I lock my thighs against his ribs. I'm in total panic mode. This is…out of my league. I don't know what to expect and I'm scared. "I don't know, Neil, let's just skip that OK."

"It's OK. I've done it like a hundred times. And twice with like an actual girl. Besides, it'll be easier on you, if you come first."

"Oh. Wait…what? What?!"

Before I can even begin to process all the wrongs in that sentence Neil's face is in my crotch. I try to scurry up the blanket but his hands lock on my thighs and hold me in place.

"Neil, please…" That's all I manage to say before I'm rendered speechless. He digs his fingers into my thighs as he kisses my body like he kissed my mouth earlier. All at once my entire focus is centered on what he's doing to me. And he's doing a hell of a lot. He licks me slowly from bottom to top, his rough tongue dragging along my most sensitive spots. He flicks his tongue over my clit lightning fast then super slow. He draws tiny circles all over me with the tip if his tongue. He spears his tongue into my entrance. He sucks my clit hard dragging his teeth along it gently. He does this and more, seemingly at random. I arch back, I arch up, I beg for mercy, I beg for more. I can't draw breathe fast enough. My heart is beating so fast it hurts. I dig my nails into the blanket beneath me.

"Oh god…Oh god…ohgodohgodohgodohgodohgodohgod…"

I arch up, nearly sitting upright, as my body shatters into a million pieces. All I see is white light. I hear screaming in the distance. It's sounds just like me. Then everything is silent. The whole world freezes. When I come back down to earth Neil is moving over me. His hands are under my knees holding my legs up and wide. He's looking down between our bodies. I reach up and put my hands on his shoulders. I love his shoulders. I love his body. We lock eyes. I feel a sorta pressure at my entrance. His expression shifts slightly, his shoulders and back lock up, and then his body is pushing into mine. I suck in air to scream, but the pain is too much. He feels huge, enormous, vast. I push at his chest but he just keeps pushing. Deeper and deeper he goes. It's too much. He's too much.

"Neil?" I cry. "It hurts." I say.

"I know. Shit. I'm sorry." He says. He lowers his body onto mine. Chest to chest, keeping himself shallow inside me. My legs wrap around him, pulling him in closer. Our breathing is out of sync. My chest expands as his deflates. The sharp pain dulls to a steady throbbing as our breath aligns. I wrap my arms around his neck and bury my face in the space where his neck and shoulder meet. I'm shaking from head to toe. The throbbing has faded to dull ache. But I can't seem to loosen my grip. Neil is saying something over and over again. I can barely hear it over my own pulse. I pull away just a tiny little bit.

"I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry." He says so softly it's more a rumble in his chest than actual words.

"Neil. Neil…I'm OK now. Neil?" I unclench my hands. My nails buried in the meat of his back. I rub circles on his skin. His back is damp with sweat and rain, and I can feel the raised skin where I've scored him. I lay my head back on the blanket. His arms are wrapped around me, so tight I can hardly breathe. His body still planted in mine. I take his face in my hands and raise it up till I can see his eyes. His face is flushed a deep red. A line of tension running through his body.

"I'm OK now. Are you OK?" He nods his head yes. But, his body says differently.

"We can stop. If you want" he says. His body trembling above me, and inside me.

"You don't want to…finish?" I ask, slightly hurt.

"Ohhhhhh, thank god!" he unwraps his arms and I sink into the blanket. He props himself up on his elbows, his face close to mine.

"Open your legs. Wider" He slides his body up mine. Pushing deeper within me. Another tiny push, deeper still. He pushes and pushes. Deeper and deeper. It doesn't hurt that much at all now, but it doesn't feel great either. I feel stretched and full. Bruised. I run my hands up and down his back and arms. I love the way his muscles tense and relax. When he is completely inside me, our bodies touching from hip to chest, be both let out a sigh of relief. I pull his face down to mine and we share the sweetest kiss.

"I won't last much longer" he says.

" Thank god" I say

"What?!"

"Shhhhhh" I say as I kiss him again.

He begins to move in earnest. He drags himself almost free of my body and then pushes back in. He maintains eye contact the whole time. It so intimate, too intimate. I try to look away, but he holds my face in place.

"Look at me. Stay with me. Oh god…you're so beautiful."

I watch his face, look into his eyes as his breath quickens. His hips rock into me over and over. The look on his face, the focus, is so sexy. He moves faster and harder. His face mere inches from mine, getting redder. A deep, dark flush rising from his neck up. The veins in his neck standing out like lightning beneath his skin. His thrusts are deep and fast and hard. I can feel the grass beneath the blanket we lay on pushing through the flannel as he pushes me into the ground. He's gasping and grunting with every roll of his hips. My back is starting to chaff as he pushes me further up the blanket. It's starting to get uncomfortable.

"You're so beautiful…uuugh…you feel so good…uugh…I'm almost there…"

His hips are slamming into mine. He's pushing me, and the blanket across the forest floor. His face is a deep ruddy red. I plant my feet on the ground and tilt my pelvis up to relieve the increasing discomfort. It feels better this way, but it allows him to go even deeper with each thrust. He's hammering into my body now, the sounds of his flesh hitting mine, his gasping, all I hear. He wraps his arms around my waist and buries his face in my neck. He slams into me hard. Once. Twice. A third time. He squeezes my waist so tight I can't draw air, tighter, and tighter. He collapses, boneless, on top of me. We lay there breathless too spent to move. Slowly Neil rolls off me onto his back. I stare up at the sky, watching the clouds part and the sun come out again. Neil is snoring loudly beside me, when the sun becomes too bright and I have to look away.


	3. Home

Home

I watch the sun slowly breach the sky. I stare at it, until it gets too bright, and I have to look away. It's strange watching the sun come out, without the chorus of chirping birds. Without them, the forest seems incomplete. I close my eyes and listen to the gentle sounds that do surround me. There's the soft breeze rustling the leaves on the branches high above. There's some small animal crawling through the leaves to the far right of this clearing. There's a toad, moving around in the log I'm leaning on. There's the drip, drip, of raindrops, falling from the tips of leaves. There's my slow even breathing. And, then there's the loud…grating…god awful...snoring, of the young man at my side. He's sleeping on his back now. Before that, he was curled in a ball sucking his thumb. Before that, he was spread-eagled on his belly, leaving me to lie in the damp grass.

His mouth is slightly open. One arm thrown over his head, the other across his chest. His lower body a collage of all the clothing from his backpack. His feet, naked, and pale, and long.

I've been staring for entirely too long now. I know I should busy myself with something, anything, but I can't. It's either sit here and stare at Neil or over-think my current situation. Stare at the boy I…I…had sex with, or over-analyze that I had SEX with this boy. I don't want to think about how that changes things, or that this is the day we arrive at the compound. That today I meet Will, Jay, and Simon. That today, today I go home.

I put on a dress today. It's paired with faded black jeans and an army jacket, but it's a dress just the same. It's yellow with tiny red flowers. It was my favorite dress before the end of the world. I guess it still is. I managed to keep it after all this time. Soon it'll be warm enough to wear it all by itself. Just think, me in a dress, with flowers in my hair.

I'm crying before my smile begins to fade.

Shit. I should never have allowed myself a cry. It's like all the feelings I've kept bottled up have been knocked loose. And I can't stop fucking crying. I think I'm having a breakdown. It's all just too much. Hell, I'm not even sure if I'm crying because I'm happy or sad. It's all just so overwhelming. I close my eyes and focus on my breathing. Nice and slow. In and out. It's going to be fine. This is a new beginning. A beautiful, new, beginning. By nightfall, I'll be sleeping in a real life bed. With sheets. And pillows. And boys. Four of them. Oh god!

"What's wrong", Neil asks softly. Shit, I must have said some of that out loud.

I open my eyes. It doesn't help. I still can't see anything. I drag my sleeves across my eyes, and try again. Neil is sitting up. He looks lovely. What? Oh god.

He yawns and scratches his chest. Tiny little pink lines rise to the surface. I follow his hands as they rise to his head to scratch at his buzz-cut hair. My eyes travel down his arms to his rib cage, down to his hips. One leg has worked its way from under all the clothes, and there's a clean line of skin from hip to toe.

"…crying? Is something wrong?"

"Sorry. What?" Shit, I was too busy ogling Neil, to catch most of what he said. I have to pull it together. What's wrong with me?

"I said, why are you crying? What's wrong?" his concern genuine.

"Sorry…Nothings wrong, just thinking too hard"

"Oh…that's rough. Never happens to me though. Knock on wood"

Wow. Well. There goes the infatuation. Thank you Neil.

"Why am I naked? And covered in my clothes?" He asks as he sits forward reaching for his now almost empty bag.

"You fell asleep naked. I tried to dress you but you were too heavy. I didn't want you to get a chill, so I just covered you as best as I could."

"Oh, right then. You didn't have to go to all that trouble, it was just a little nap."

"Just a little nap? You've been sleep for day. We…ah…you fell asleep yesterday afternoon."

"What?" He says as he hops into a pair of jeans. His clothes stuffed unceremoniously into his bag. "We missed a whole day?" He pulls on a t-shirt that is beyond skintight and bends over to pull on his boots. His pants have slid down his hips and as he struggles with his laces I'm treated to the smooth muscled madness of his ass. Oh god. It's back.

Neil is his usual efficient self and we're packed and on the move in minutes. The terrain is hard going. I stumble and fall several times. Neil is always there to catch me or help me up. Of course it's me staring at his back and shoulders and neck and hands…that's causing me to lose my footing in the first place. I have to get over this weird fascination with Neil. Like now. Of course, it helps that he doesn't seem distracted by me in the least. In fact he doesn't seem effected by our "encounter" at all. My mind is muddled and my palms are sweaty and I keep blushing for no reason. And he seems…fine. Bastard.

As the sun gets low in the sky, we stop in a small clearing near a creek. The sound of crickets and frogs getting louder by the minute. I sit on my backpack, take off my shoes, and rub my sore feet. Today has been brutal, physically and emotionally. The anxiety of meeting the other guys, and the insecurity of not knowing where I stand with Neil, has left me feeling like on big ball on nerves.

"I think we should make camp here, tonight. Get an early start in the morning."

"Noooo" I hate to whine, but the idea of another day of worry is unthinkable.

"Sorry" He says as he sets up camp. "It's my fault, late start" he spreads out the red plaid blanket for us to sleep on.

I'm so angry I can't even respond. This is awful. Another day trapped in my head. Another day feeling utterly alone and unwanted.

I snatch off my socks. And, then my jeans. My jacket last. I stuff them all into my bag. I kneel down on the blanket and set to work on my hair. If I don't brush it and pull it back into a tie, it'll be a knotted mess in the morning. If there was an award for straightening ones hair in an angry like fashion, I'd win first prize. The knot in my chest, getting tighter and tighter. I want to scream. I want to cry. I swipe my eye with my sleeve, determined to stop the tears before they begin.

Suddenly, Neil, falls to his knees before me. The sound of his knees slamming into the earth seems to vibrate through the clearing. What the hell? His chest takes up my total vision. I crane my head back to look up at his face. Only his face is coming towards mine. Eyes closed, lips puckered.

"What. The. Fuck. Are you doing?" I say as I slam both hands on his chest. I crawl backwards a few feet for good measure.

"I was going to kiss you." He says, crawling forward. That stupid grin blossoming across his stupid face. He continues to crawl forward as I crawl backwards, till my arm slips and I end up on my ass. With Neil on top of me. I give him a look that has sent many a man running in the opposite direction. So it should come to no surprise when he tries to kiss me again.

"Have you lost your mind?" I say pushing his shoulders away, "stop trying to kiss me, you lunatic."

He leans back to sit on his heels. His hands still on my legs. Neil takes a deep, deep, breath and let is out. "What's wrong?"

"What's wrong?" I sigh, "What's wrong? You act like nothings different. Like we didn't have sex yesterday. You don't ask me how I feel, or how I'm dealing. It's obvious it meant nothing to you. That I mean nothing to you. We spent all day walking and we didn't make it to the compound, so I get to spend another day stressing out."

"I thought maybe I wasn't any good. That you were disappointed. But, it turns out, I'm just a lay. That's all I am to you, right, a lay."

I cover my face and cry. Neil is silent, still kneeling between my legs. I cry and cry. And cry some more.

"It's right up the hill" he says it so softly I barely hear it. "We're like fifteen minutes away."

I wipe my face on my arms. I'm drained. All the tension washed away. I prop myself up on my elbows. "W-what?"

"We've been walking in circles all day. The compound is just over that clearing." His face, as serious as I've ever seen it.

"Will, he's really smart, right. Simon is cool and good looking. And… and Jay's a pratt, but he's funny and nice to be around. But I'm…I'm." He sighs, running his hands through his short hair. "Out here, I'm…needed. Last guy on earth kinda thing. But, the minute we get home, I'm unnecessary." He sighs again. "You are beautiful and brave and kind enough to have sex with an idiot like me. And tomorrow…tomorrow, you'll forget all about me.

… _But I loved you first._"

The last said so quietly I could have imagined it.

I lean forward and he leans forward and somewhere in the middle we kiss. Oh, and it's lovely. I lay back, pulling Neil down with me. His hips settle into mine and I fell grounded again. In his arms, I'm home. And, tonight, under the stars, I'm going to make love to the boy who loves me.

Again.


End file.
